BLONDE JOKES

The Blondes Get Their Revenge

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed with their own stock.  Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to bring the pick-up truck so we can haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.  The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less.  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."  The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.  She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one world.  After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head, "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.  The word's big.  She'll read it very slowly...com-for-da-bul."

*********

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea and then..." he sighs...

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

*********

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.  He begins to worry.  "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he continued.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, wanting to be reassured. 

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

*********

An elderly man in North Carolina has owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.  He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral:  Some old men can still think fast!

*********

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal, Odin, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now.  I really need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did.  The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and took him of the previous night's events.  "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear.  "It was wonderful.  This blonde woman and I had passionate sex 37 times."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin.  "That poor woman!  Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment.  You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to Earth and found the aforementioned blonde prostitute, saying, "I'm sorry about lat night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl.  "You're Thor?  What about me?  I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"

(I cannot take credit for this Viking joke.  It was sent to me by a fan, with no attribution.  Isn't it great?)

*********

Did you hear about the near‑tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

**********

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. 

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.  Nothing happened. So she blew a little  harder, and still nothing happened. 

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

**********

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said  the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

**********

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

**********

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so!" the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

**********

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

**********

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

**********

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

**********

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde says that her mother passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee and calms her down a little and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again. She asks her why she is crying this time.

"I just got off of the phone with my sister and her mother died too!"

**********

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

**********

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A: Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

**********

Norman and his blonde wife live in Maryland One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park...........", then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

**********

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living-room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said..FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

**********

As a trucker in Wisconsin stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she  says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

************

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

**********

Why are Orientals so smart?

No blondes!

**********

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.   The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know.  Some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

**********

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead  Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.   She takes the gun and puts it to her head.  The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up.  You're next!"

**********

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.   She loudly says, "Go ahead, ask me.  I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy.  W."

**********

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!", asks the cop.

And she said, "Those are my emergency flashers."

**********

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

The wife was an uppity blonde. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In laws."

**********

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

**********

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

**********

**********

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.

As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.  If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.

Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

**********

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.  He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" 

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

**********

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what?  We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads.   "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!  You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.  We're going at night."

**********

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.  She replies in a huff,  "I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

**********

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her turn.   She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."  Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

**********

The blonde reports for her university final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.  She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet--Yes for Heads and No for Tails.  Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.  During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.  "I finished the exam in a half hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

**********

Changing Times and Women:

What I want in a Man - Original List:

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially Successful

4. A Caring Listener

5. Witty

6. In Good Shape

7. Dresses with Style

8. Appreciates the Finer Things

9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises

10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I want in a Man - Revised List:

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Works steady

4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting

5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on weekends

**********

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? .....The blonde, because she's 18.

**********

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

**********

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

A: It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

**********

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a free meal!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"  By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

**********

A blonde phoned the police and hysterically reported that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" she cried.

But before the police could get there to investigate, their phone rang again, and the same blonde said, "Never mind. I got in the back seat by mistake.

**********

The blonde was so dumb she thought:

--Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
--cantaloupe was a marital problem.
--General Motors was in the army.
--Boyz II Men was a day care center..
--Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
--TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
--she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

**********

She was soooooooo blonde.....

--under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
--if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
--she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
--at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius."
--if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
--she studied for a blood test-and failed.
--when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
--she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
--she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
--she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
--she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
--she tripped over a cordless phone.
--it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
--she sold the car for gas money.

**********

Q:  What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?

A:   Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

**********

Q:  Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

A:  You have to hollow out the head.

**********

Q: Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?

A: They went to see "Closed for Winter".

**********

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.   She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart. Now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

**********

An elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life when a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you ever had me neutered."

**********

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman said.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

**********

A blonde lady applied for a job at the factory where they make the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". The boss told her to report for work on Monday and explained that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The blonde was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test-tickles."

**********

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

**********

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

**********

His sign was "right away".

Hers was "yield".

**********

The blonde confused her Prozac with the birth control pills.

She had a dozen kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

**********

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing. Then they marry him.

**********

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."

**********

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

**********

A man noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, and to say he and his wife were delighted would be an understatement. But several weeks, and nearly nine inches later, the man became concerned (What if it kept growing till it hung down to the floor!) and went to see a urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, the man's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches," the patient's wife (a dumb blonde) asked anxiously?

"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well, yes," the wife said coldly, "You're planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

**********

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over; so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

**********

A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever: The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

**********

As seen on tee shirts:

"I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!"

"I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired!!!!"

"Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places."

"I put the "fun" in dysfunctional."

"Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?"

"My Reality Check bounced."

"Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?"

**********

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

Oh, no!" she said.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.

The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and said, "Andy!"

"That's interesting. What made you say that?" said Saint Peter

The dumb blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

**********

You may lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

**********

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

**********

Isn't "dumb blond" a peroxymoron?

**********

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

**********

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's?

A: Her IQ goes up!

**********

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.

**********

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?

A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

**********

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

**********

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

**********

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

**********

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

**********

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A: A whine cellar.

**********

Q: What do blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

**********

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?

A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well...

**********

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK."

**********

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

**********

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

**********

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?

A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

**********

Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?

A: Ever-ready.

**********

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

**********

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.

**********

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?

A: They can't keep their calves together!

**********

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

**********

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?

A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

**********

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde #2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

**********

Q. Why did the blonde drive around the block 28 times?

A. Her right turn signal was stuck.

**********

Q: There were 4 blondes in a pick up truck and it went into the river. Why did they all drown?

A: They couldn't get the tailgate open.

**********

Q: What is blonde and green and jumps from bed to bed?

A: A prostitoad.

**********

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?

A: She thought it was diet coke.

**********

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

**********

Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?

A: She thought her period was French Provincial.

**********

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?

A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

**********

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of the mirror with her eyes closed?

A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

**********

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was blind for ten years?

A: It was really sad. One morning she just forgot to open her eyes.

**********

Q: Why'd the blonde faint?

A: She forgot to breathe.

**********

Q: What do members of a good basketball team playing a bad basketball team have in common with a roomful of men and a blonde?

A: Everybody scores.

**********

Q: Why didn't the blonde go in the building?

A: She heard it was four stories, and she didn't like to read.

**********

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?

A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

**********

Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?

A: They spread for the bread.

**********

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?

A: They have to pull their own pants down.

**********

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?

A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

**********

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?

A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

**********

A blonde walks up to a coke machine and puts in 50 cents and then pushes Dr Pepper. Dr Pepper falls out. She then puts in another 50 cents and pushes Coke. Coke falls out. She then puts another 50 cents and gets a Sprite....

A man happened to be watching. So, he asked the blonde, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "Well, duh! I'm winning.

**********

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed blonde woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

**********

Q. What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?

A. Rebel without a clue.

**********

Q. Why did the blonde go halfway to Norway, then turn around & come home?

A. It took her that long to figure out a 14-inch Viking was a TV set.

**********

Q. What did the blonde say when asked the last two words of the national anthem?

A. Play ball.

**********

The blonde was so dumb she thought condiment was a mint-flavored condom.

**********

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

**********

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?

A: Because the label said 'concentrate'.

**********

Q. What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

A. There have been actual sightings of Bigfoot.

**********

Q. What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

A. Artificial intelligence.

**********

Q. What do you call a group of blondes in a freezer?

A. Frosted flakes.

**********

Q. What do you call 6 blondes placed ear to ear?

A. A wind tunnel.

**********

Q. Why do blondes wear so much hair spray?

A. So they can catch all the things that go over their head.

**********

Q. Why do blondes wear panties?

A. To keep their ankles warm. (WARNING: You will have to explain this one to blondes.)

**********

Q. What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?

A. She can't say no.

**********

Q. Why don't blondes nurse their babies?

A. Because it's so painful when they boil their nipples.

**********

Q. What does a blonde say after sex?

A. Thanks, guys.

**********

Q. What does a blonde say after sex?

A. So, are you all on the same team, or what?

**********

Q. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

A. Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

**********

Q. Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M & M factory?

A. She kept throwing out the `W's.

**********

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?

A: A know-it-all bitch.

**********

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?

A: Lipstick.

**********

Q. How do you keep a blonde busy?

A. Tell her to alphabetize a bag of M & M's.

**********

Q. Why does it take so long for a blonde to make chocolate chip cookies?

A. She has to peel the M & M's.

**********

Q. What do blondes and computers have in common?

A. You don't know what you are missing till they go down on you.

**********

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A. You can park in the handicapped area.

**********

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

A. There's whiteout on the screen.

**********

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

A: An Italian suppository.

**********

Q: Why do blondes hate M & M's?

A: They're too hard to peel.

**********

Q. What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A. Nothing. They've never met.

**********

Q. Why can't Miss Piggy (who is technically a blonde) count to one hundred?

A. Every time she gets to 69, she eats the frog.

**********

Q. Why do blondes wear ponytails?

A. To hide the valve stem in the back of their necks.

**********

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?

A. Last year's Hide 'n Seek champion.

**********

Q. Why do blondes drive BMW's?

A. Because they can spell it.

**********

Q. What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"

A. "No, I just lie there."

**********

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A. Unfertilized.

**********

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street.

The brunette says, "Look, a dead bird."

The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

**********

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodle-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

**********

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

**********

Q. Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

A. They can't dial the 11 in 911.

**********

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's

A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

**********

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

**********

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?

A: Wishful Thinking.

**********

Q: How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

**********

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

A. They know how many men went down on the Titanic.

**********

Q. Why was the blonde proud to finish her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?

A. The box said "2-4 years."

**********

Q. How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?

A. Flattered.

**********

Q. How do you brainwash a blonde?

A. Give her a douche and shake her upside-down.

**********

Q. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A. A dope ring.

**********

Q. Why did the blonde climb on the roof?

A. She heard that drinks were on the house.

**********

Q. What is the similarity between a smart blonde, Santa and the tooth fairy?

A. They are all make-believe.

**********

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?

A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

**********

Q: Why are blondes's coffins Y-shaped?

A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

**********

Q. What do blondes do for foreplay?

A. Remove their underwear.

**********

Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A. Spot.

**********

Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A Space Invader.

**********

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

**********

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

**********

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?

A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

**********

Q. Why don't Blondes eat bananas?

A. They can't find the zipper.

**********

Q. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A. Data transfer.

**********

Q. Why did the blonde have square boobs?

A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

**********

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

**********

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

   The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

   The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

**********

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

**********

Q. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?

A. A mental block.

**********

Q. What do turtles and blondes have in common?

A. Once they're on their back they're screwed.

**********

Q. What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

**********

Q. How is a blonde like a doorknob?

A. Everybody gets a turn.

**********

Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

A. Pregnant.

**********

Q. What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it?

A. A thought.

**********

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?

A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

**********

Q. Do you know who is writing all these blonde jokes?

A. Some brunette...at home all alone...on a Friday night.

**********

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?

A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

**********

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The current newsstory was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.

Blonde: OK.

(back to newscast)

He jumps.

Blonde: OK Here's my $20.

Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.

Blonde: I insist. I lost.

Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.

Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.

**********

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?

A: Because they can understand them.

**********

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls cheated and used their arms."

**********

Then there was the blonde who thought a quarterback was a refund. Not to mention another dumb blonde who thought socialism meant partying.

**********

Q. Why did the blonde pull out her checkbook at Taco Bell?

A. She thought it was where you pay your phone bill.

**********

Q. Did you hear about the blonde who starved to death in the shower?

A. She took the shampoo instructions literally. "Lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat..."

**********

A dumb blonde went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the young woman. She touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes," she exclaimed, amazed at his perceptiveness.

"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger."

**********

The Blondes AND redheads Get Revenge...

Well, the brilliant blondes finally got together and got back at the brunettes for all those blonde jokes.  Here's their revenge:

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A: The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q: Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A: When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q: Who makes bras for brunettes?
A: Fisher-Price.

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.

Q: What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A: Brown-Bagging it.

Q: What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q:  Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A:  So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A: Invisible.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q: Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
A: It doesn't show the dirt.

Q: Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A: The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q: Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
A: It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.

Q: How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
A: Check her for a pulse.

Q: What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A: A brunette rabbit.

Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.

Q: Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
A: From their underarms.

Q: Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
A: Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.

Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled.

Q: How did Revlon come up with its brunette hair color?
A: By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.