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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be?  You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."


He said . . ."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."

She said...."You wear pants don't you?"


One day a housework‑challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!



  • She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

  • Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

  • Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

  • Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

  • And her husband is on the back of the milk carton


Did you ever wonder who was the first person to do these things?  Betcha it was a dumb man.

--Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

--Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."



Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky."

Same work ... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You're not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.


mental anxiety

mentally dysfunctional


menstrual cramps...

Ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN?


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".


Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well........It's not unusual........."


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only saran wrap for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, at the appropriate point in the process told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password.  Something he use to log on.  The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.  So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p...e...n...i...s."   His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:  PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.


A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

"The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies.  "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?   What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond tugs, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."


An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of the building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time I'm jumping, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.   If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping.  She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said.  "He makes his own lunch."


A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, it's Friday the 13th, and I don't want to do any paperwork. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up along side her and said, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

"Reading my book," she she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.


A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?

A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"


A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.  As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.  He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.  A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.  Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.  Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement.  Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.  Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back,  turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard.  "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait.  Another popular myth is that Frenchman are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"How very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.   "I'm sorry," she says.  "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.  Tonto Goldstein."


Three blonde man are on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.


If you think there's no difference between the way men and women think, consider this exercise in which a college professor asked his class to punctuate the following sentence: "Woman without her man is nothing."

The men said: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women said: "Woman, without her, man is nothing."


A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face, and the egg was frowning, looking a bit pissed off. The egg was heard to mutter to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we know the answer to that question."


A dumb man went to the doctor's for a check-up, and his wife came along.

After the exam, the doctor called the wife aside and said, "Your husband has a very serious disease which can be aggravated by stress. You must follow a certain regimen, or else your husband will die. Each morning, fix him a big, nutritious breakfast. You must always be pleasant and do everything to keep your husband in a good mood.  Don't overwork him. Don't burden him with your problems.  Most important, make love to him daily...twice a day on weekend. If you do all this, your husband should regain his good health."

Afterward, the husband asked the wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"

She said: "The doctor says you're going to die."


Q: Husband: Want a quickie?

A: Wife: As opposed to what?


Q: How do men sort their laundry?

A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


A married couple went to the hospital to have their first baby. While there, a new doctor told them he'd invented a machine which could transfer the mother's labor pains to the father.  The husband thought this was a terrific idea. (Talk about dumb!)

The doctor set the machine at ten percent, explaining that even ten percent was too much for most men. But the husband felt just fine. So, the doctor turned it up to twenty per cent. Still nothing. Amazed and with some trepidation, the doctor turned the machine up a notch, to fifty percent. But the husband continued to feel just fine. Wanting to help his wife, however, who was writhing in pain, he told the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

In the end, the wife delivered a healthy baby, and the husband suffered no pain at all.

When they arrived home the next day, they found the mailman dead on the front porch.


In a small town, a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she whacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could.

He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?"

She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."

He nodded his head but said nothing.

Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he whacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could.

When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."


Q: When do you care for a man's company?

A: When he owns it.


Q: Why do men get married?

A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more


Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A: Put the remote control between his toes


One day, this dumb man, Stan, died. When he was sent to heaven to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not get into heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Stan decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Harvey up ahead. Harvey was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Harvey he asked him what was going on, and Harvey replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Stan, Harvey, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Stan and Harvey could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Stan and Harvey approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope for.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!


Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.


Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.


Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!


Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!


Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.


If women are like crockpots, then men are surely like microwaves.


Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.


Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.


Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.


Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that.


There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.


Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady and asked, "Can ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Can ya breathe?"

Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.


A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night".


Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.


Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!


Dumb men know that it is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.


The dumb man's dictionary:
--He does not have a beer gut. He develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
--He does not get lost all the time. He discovers Alternative Destinations.
--He is not balding. He is in Follicle Regression.
--He does not belch and pass gas. He is Gastronomically Expressive.
--He is not a sex machine. He is Romantically Automated.
--He is not a male chauvinist pig. He has Swine Empathy.
--He does not undress you with his eyes. He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
--He is not afraid of commitment. He is Monogamously Challenged.
--He doesn't ask a woman to dance. He requests a Pre-Coital Rhythmic Experience.
--He doesn't say that she has big hooters. He says her Cups Runneth Over.


Some people contend that men grow hair in their ears deliberately. Built-in ear plugs, dontcha know.


A dumb man went ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the dumb man moved further down the ice, swigged down a beer, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The dumb man, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, swigged down another beer, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"


Some men drink from the Fountain of Knowledge. A whole lot of others just gargle.


Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."


I'm not saying he's dumb, but if you stand too close to him, you can hear the ocean.


Q: What did the dumb man say when asked why God make only one Yogi Bear?
A: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.


A dumb man came home unexpectedly to find his wife in bed with his best friend. In a fit of rage he went for his gun and put it up to his temple, to the great amusement of his wife and her lover.

"Don't laugh!" the enraged husband shouted. "You're next!"


When women are depressed, they go shopping.
When men are depressed, they invade a country.


Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."


If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.


A truck driver stopped at a road side diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.

As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.

When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."


Q: The dumb man was asked why seagulls are called seagulls?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!


Q: What did the dumb man call two doctors seen together?
A: Pair-a-medics.


Q: Guess where dumb (men) cows buy their clothes?
A: From Cattle-logues.


The difference between a condom and a coffin, one gets you coming and the other going.


After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a neighbor asked how he liked living in the country.

"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."

The neighbor (also blonde) was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"

"Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."


Did you know that God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer to the first question.


A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.

All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table and asks if he's ready to order, "What would like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband (a dumb man, fer shur) crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.


The dumb man wondered if it was true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.


The Ten Things Dumb Men Say Out Loud in Victoria's Secret:

#10. Does this come in children's sizes?
 #9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
 #8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
 #7. Mom will love this.
 #6. Do you have this with a Penn State logo on it?
 #5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
 #4. Will you model this for me?
 #3. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
 #2. Forty-five bucks! You're just gonna end up naked anyway.
 #1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace.


Adam goes to God and says, "I would like a mate to please me and make living joyful. She should be beautiful and perfect in every way.

God says, "I can do that, but it will cost you a testicle, a kidney, and one eye."

To which Adam replied, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"


Q. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A. One half hour of begging.


Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.


Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't's never happened.


Seems God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations. So, he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple whom he found hanging around the apple tree that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told them. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam went ballistic. Jumping up and down, he begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip. I'd be so cool. Oh, please, God, let it be me you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh, please...

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was... well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.

"What's left here? Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms..."


Q. What's a man's idea of helping with housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.


Q. What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.


A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation. The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..." <gestures at his chest>

"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..." <gestures down below>

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."

"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."

"Why, honey?"

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."


Among The Top Ten Things Men Would Never Say:

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother!
  2. Her breasts are too big.
  3. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" turns me on.
  4. Sure, I'd love to use a condom.
  5. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.


He's recovering from an unusual accident -- a thought recently struck him.


It's stretching the mind a bit to picture dumb men as the end product of millions of years of evolution. I mean, we're talking about a man who thinks testosterone is a hallucinogen...who thinks he looks debonair when sitting in a laz-z-boy eating cheez doodles, who thinks he sounds like Clark Gable when he says in a husky voice, "Hey, babe, get us a beer, huh?" or who acts like he's been out hunting hairy mammoths all day when he fires up the gas barbecue.


He's so dumb he watered his garden with whiskey to get stewed tomatoes.


Two dumb men went hunting, and as can be expected, one of them shot the other, mistaking him for a deer. After taking his friend to the nearest doctor, the second man asked worriedly if his friend would be all right.

"It's hard to say," the doctor replied. "It would have been better if you hadn't gutted and skinned him."


Q. What does a dumb man call true love?
A. An erection.


Q. Did you hear about the two dumb men who went ice fishing?
A. They caught 200 pounds of ice and drowned when they tried to cook it.


Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.


Q. Why do men have bigger brains than dogs?
A. So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.


Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition.


Men spend a lot of time sowing their wild oats and then even more time praying for a crop failure.


Q. Why did the woman bury her husband 12 feet under?
A. Because deep down he's a good person.


A man went into the drugstore and asked for a deodorant.

"The ball type?" asked the clerk.

"No," said the dumb man. "It's for my underarms."


Q. How can you tell if a man is ambidextrous?
A. He drools from both sides of his mouth.


A man walks on the beach and picks up a bottle and rubs it. Out pops a genie.

"Master, I can grant you two wishes if you desire," the genie said.

The man thinks for a second and says, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie said, and turned the man into a toilet seat.


If a man had PMS, who could tell?



He wanted to be a farmer. So he studied pharmacy.


Q. What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?
A. An oxymoron.


Q. How do men define a long-term relationship?
A. A second date.


He's so dumb he thinks paramedics and paralegals come from Paraguay.


Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because men are pigs.


Did you hear about the guy who found a lamp and out popped a genie when he rubbed it.

"Quick," say the genie, "I'm in a big hurry. You get one fast, first-thing-on-your-mind wish. Then I'm outta here."

The guy asks to wake up in bed with three nekkid women.

Poof! He opens his eyes and feels he's in a bed surrounded by soft sighing females. He glances to his right and, yikes, it's Lorena Bobbit. Beyond her, stretched out in all her glory is Tonya Harding. Double Yikes!! He looks to the right, almost afraid, and sees Hillary Clinton spread out. Oh, no!!!. Quickly he grabs the covers, lifts them and looks down at himself.

Sure enough, no snitzel, two broken kneecaps, and damned if he doesn't find out he's got no medical insurance.


"Men should think twice before making widowhood women's only path to power."
--Gloria Steinhem


They had a spelling bee at the White House between Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Dan Quayle. Dan won.

How so?

He was the only one who spelled harass as one word.


There once was a fellow from Kent
Who had such a long instrument.
To stay out of trouble
He folded it double.
And instead of coming he went.


A man is looking to hire a secretary. He narrows his search down to three candidates. Deciding to test their honesty, he brings them all back for a final interview. Before they arrive, he places a hundred dollar bill on one of the guest chairs. After a few questions, he excuses himself for a moment. When he returns, he finds the money is still there. He does the same thing with the second candidate, and again the money remains. The third candidate, however, takes the money.

So, which of the candidates did he hire?

A. The one with the big boobs.


God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. And when they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."

So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."

Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. And the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."

Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95."


Q. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A. Dating children.


Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.


Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.


Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.


This is the dumb man's version of a dumb man jokes:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.|
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.




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